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| How dare you expect decent service? |
My wife and I write on food and drink matters and we both have backgrounds in the catering and pub trade. My wife's mother and my father were both chefs and we have family members in the pub and restaurant trades both here and in the USA and Canada. So we know what to expect in a reasonably expensive restaurant.
We were visiting one of our favourite gastropubs when my wife was served a glass of Merlot that was not to the usual high standard of the pub. She said: "This is dreadful!" She asked me to taste it and unlike their previous Merlot, this was not buttery smooth, this was harsh and unpleasant. We checked the wine list. They had changed the wine they serve.
When our gourmet burgers arrived rather than being served on proper crockery as previously they were served on marked and scratched very small wooden trenchers (very Medieval) that were not large enough to stop the food from escaping onto the uncleaned table.
My wife normally has several glasses of wine whilst I have several pints of beer with our meals.. We cut our visit much shorter than normal and we have cancelled our plans to have a Christmas meal there. My wife joked: "It's almost as if they are following a guide on how to wreck their restaurant trade for the Christmas period!"
And I thought: Time for a blogpost on this very subject!
The festive season is one of the most anticipated times of the year for the hospitality industry. It’s a golden opportunity for restaurants and gastropubs to make a lasting impression on customers, attract new clientele, and build loyal patrons who’ll come back long after the Christmas lights have been long taken down.
But if you're looking to do the complete opposite, perhaps to achieve a spectacular implosion in time for the new year, this guide is for you. Here’s how you can absolutely guarantee to ruin your restaurant or gastropub this Christmas.
Step 1: Serve Cheaper, Poor-Quality Wines
Nothing says “we don’t care” quite like replacing your carefully curated wine list with the cheapest bottles you can find. After all, why bother offering your customers a quality bottle of Merlot or Bordeaux or an elegant Sauvignon Blanc when you can stockpile bargain-basement plonk that tastes like vinegar?
Here’s how to maximise the damage:
Switch to the Cheapest House Wines: The cheapest box wine will do. Your customers won't notice the difference, right? Clue: they absolutely will. There’s nothing quite like the disappointment of a glass of overly sweet, or excessively dry and poorly aged wine to ruin a festive dinner.
Stop Offering Wine Pairings: Your knowledgeable sommelier or staff member recommending wines? Get rid of them. Just let customers fend for themselves, and if they ask for suggestions, train your remaining staff to respond with a shrug and say: "I don't like wine!"
Serve at the Wrong Temperature: Serve white wines warm and red wines chilled for that special touch. Bonus points if the wine glasses are still warm and wet from the dishwasher.
Step 2: Opt for Poor-Quality Cuts of Meat
Christmas is traditionally a time for indulgence, and your customers will likely expect to enjoy high-quality festive dishes. But if your goal is to drive them away, then skimping on ingredients is the fastest route to dissatisfaction.
Replace Premium Cuts with Cheaper Alternatives: Replace that prime rib with tough, gristly cuts. Who needs succulent turkey when you can serve a dry, flavourless bird that was frozen for months? Or even serve catering industry pressed turkey rounds, rather than fresh turkey? Bonus points if your steak requires a hacksaw to cut through.
Go for Processed, Pre-Packaged Options: Skip the freshly prepared roasts, gravies, and sauces. Instead, stock up on pre-packaged, mass-produced alternatives. Customers won't mind if their Christmas dinner tastes like a school cafeteria meal… or maybe they will, and they won’t be back.
Overcook or Undercook Everything: There’s nothing quite like a Christmas roast that’s either charred to a crisp or practically raw. If you’re aiming for bad reviews, ensuring every dish comes out of the kitchen improperly cooked is a surefire method.
Step 3: Hire Indifferent or Hostile Serving Staff
Service is often the make-or-break factor in the restaurant business. But if you’re looking to alienate your customers, nothing works better than unwelcoming, apathetic, or downright rude staff.
Hire Staff Who Don't Care: When interviewing potential waitstaff, look for candidates who display zero enthusiasm for hospitality. If they roll their eyes at the thought of serving customers, you’ve found the perfect fit.
Encourage Staff to Be Indifferent: Train your team to avoid eye contact, ignore guests who try to get their attention, and never, ever smile. After all, Christmas is about making people feel unwelcome, isn't it?
Respond to Complaints with Hostility: If customers dare to express dissatisfaction, make sure your staff respond defensively or even aggressively. Accusing them of being too picky or telling them they're wrong is a brilliant way to guarantee they'll never return.
Step 4: Create a Miserable Atmosphere
The Christmas season is supposed to be about warmth, joy, and celebration, so naturally, you’ll want to go in the opposite direction.
Skip the Christmas Decorations: If you do decide to put up any decorations, make sure they’re sparse, tacky, or downright depressing. A few sad-looking tinsel strands and a broken fairy light should do the trick.
Play Inappropriate or Annoying Music: Forget festive classics. Instead, choose music that’s either gratingly upbeat or completely inappropriate for the season. Better yet, have no music at all, so diners can fully appreciate the awkward silence.
Maintain an Uncomfortable Temperature: Whether it’s freezing cold or stiflingly hot, make sure your restaurant is as uncomfortable as possible. A broken heater or an open window on a cold December night can really drive customers away.
Step 5: Ignore Dietary Requirements and Preferences
The modern diner often has dietary restrictions or preferences. But catering to those needs is only necessary if you actually want people to enjoy their experience.
Refuse to Accommodate Allergies: Gluten-free? Dairy-free? Vegetarian? Vegan? Who cares? Just don’t bother. A great way to ruin your reputation is by ignoring dietary requests and causing discomfort—or worse, allergic reactions.
Remove Any Special Menus: The holidays are a time when people like to indulge. Remove any festive specials or vegetarian options and replace them with your regular, uninspired menu. The fewer choices, the better.
Step 6: Use Social Media to Showcase Your Failures
If you really want to drive the final nail into the coffin of your restaurant or gastropub, use social media to document your failures.
Post Low-Quality Photos of Your Food: Share poorly lit, unappetising photos of your dishes on Instagram and Facebook. The worse the photo looks, the more likely it will deter potential customers.
Respond to Negative Reviews with Sarcasm: When disgruntled customers leave reviews on Google or TripAdvisor, make sure to respond with snarky comments or, better yet, ignore them entirely. Nothing screams professionalism like defensiveness.
Congratulations, You’ve Ruined Christmas!
By following this guide, you'll successfully drive away loyal patrons, discourage new customers, and ensure that your restaurant or gastropub is the talk of the town—for all the wrong reasons. Come January, you’ll have all the time in the world to reflect on how it all went wrong while sitting in your empty dining room.
But if you're reading this and thinking, “I don't actually want to ruin my business!” then consider this guide as a cautionary tale of what not to do. The festive season is your chance to shine. Treat your customers well, serve quality food, and create an atmosphere that makes people feel welcome, and you’ll reap the rewards for months to come.
Happy Christmas! And may your restaurant be filled with laughter, satisfied customers, and ringing tills!
Maybe one day I'll tell you the story of how my wife and I and a couple of friends stumbled upon a country pub/restaurant which had excellent food served by a perky and smiling young lady who was providing a good standard of silver service - whilst wearing a woolly beanie hat!
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